Thursday, September 10, 2009

100 word pitch - Revised

I need a 100 word pitch for the Muse Online Conference to pitch to agents/editors. Here’s my current version. Opinions please!

 

In Dashevona, where females with magic can be killed by law, Marian discovers she has not one magic, but two: enchanter and fey. When the elemental fey burn Marian's village, her mother within, Marian is knocked out before she can stop them or exact revenge. The Fey realize their mistake when Marian shows signs of being the woman to open the return for their goddess. Without the goddess, anything touched by fey, including Marian, could die as the source fades away. Hiding is no longer an option. Can Marian forgive those who killed her mother, in order to save herself?

 

Emergence of the Fey (97,000 words)

 

Edit: After the feedback here (thanks!) and from my husband, here’s my revision (at 105 words):

 

In Dashevona, where females with magic are executed, Marian discovers she has not one magic, but two: enchanter and fey. When the elemental fey burn Marian's village, her mother within, Marian is knocked out before she can stop them or exact revenge.

 

The Fey seek forgiveness when they learn Marian can hear their banished goddess, a sign of Marian's ability to initiate Her return. Anything touched by fey, including Marian, will perish as the goddess’ power fades.

 

Marian must overcome anger, heartbreak,  and betrayal, while being hunted by the Enchanter Council. Can she do all this when her heart has been stolen by a thief?

 

 

I don’t want to take space on describing the differences in magic. Or give too much away by going into detail on why the village is burned. Some questions are good, as long as the reader is interested. Thoughts?

 

((removed poll. getting weird error in Windows Live Writer, which poll seemed to contribute to.))

 

5 musings:

Kristen howe said...

This is good Mary. I think you need to insert some spaces in that paragraph between first line and last line. That's what I've been told. Looks promising.

Anonymous said...

I feel this could be a bit clearer. I understand no women being allowed magic well enough but why did the fey burn her village in the first place? How do they discover she is 'the way' for their goddess? While I've never personally 'pitched' before I imagine it's a bit like the blurb on the back of a book. Right now this doesn't work for me.

Neve ~ FSM
*followed from twitter

Feywriter said...

Thanks Kristen and Neve. I've got a month to polish this, so I'll keep working on it. :-)

Lynn Colt said...

Ok you know I can get long-winded :) but here are my comments:
There are some confusing phrases:
'can be killed by law' might read better as simply 'are executed'.
You say she's got two magics, but you don't explain how fey magic is different from enchanter magic.
'die as the source fades away': the source of what?
The last sentence hits me wrong-it seems to be saying that Marian's struggle is to find a way to be a generous person (by forgiving) in order to be selfish (the sentence makes it sound like her goal is just to save herself)
Also I agree with Neve that it's not clear why the fey attacked the village in the first place. It's also a little unclear how the fey 'realize their mistake' (the mistake being, i think, burning the village?) and how they figure out that marian 'shows signs of ...'
Also since I read your synopsis a while ago I know what 'open the return for their goddess' means, but i wouldn't if I hadn't.

I'll take a stab at it:
When the fey burn down Marian's village-and with it, her mother-in a misguided attempt to protect themselves, they don't realize that Marian has an ability they need: a rare combination magic that is both illegal and the only thing that can free their goddess. Marian wants nothing to do with any of this, and she's loath to aid those who caused her mother's death, but the fey reveal that if Marian won't help them, they'll die ... and so will Marian.

Or something like that. I don't know how many words it is, but it sets up the conflict without possibly confusing the reader about what enchanters are and such. Hope this helps!

Feywriter said...

Thanks for the suggestions, Lynn. :-)