I was productive in my procrastinating this past weekend. I've completely reworked my query for EotF (again). It's shorter, but hopefully more clear. Outside eyes would be helpful.
When Marian isn't helping her mother with her herbalist trade, she retreats to the forest. The woods hold a secret for her alone, a crying voice that echoes her own loneliness. When the forest is targeted for lumber, Marian is determined to find a way to stop it. Unbeknownst to her, however, the mythical Fey have their own reason for saving the forest. They take matters into their own hands and burn the village to protect the spirit of their banished goddess. Furious at the loss of her mother and home, Marian unleashes a magic she didn't know she had. Her magic becomes the one way she can have control in her life.
The Fey seek the hope of their race, a woman of mixed blood who can initiate the return of their goddess before their magic dies. The Enchanters fear the Fey goddess and kill every female born with magic in order to prevent her return. Marian fits the description, but only wishes to study her magic in peace. Marian must choose to either save those who killed her mother or lose the magic that has defined her.
Emergence of the Fey is a 95,000 word work of fantasy. I have been a moderator and fantasy newsletter editor for over two years on Writing.com.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
This sounds like a great story! I know how tough query-writing is, so i got out my virtual red pen to help :)
ReplyDeleteComments: as written, the sentence about the enchanters seems to have little to do with the main conflict(about whether Marian should help the Fey). it does up the ante for Marian, though (because they'd try to kill her, right?) so I'd find a way to connect the two problems more directly. Also the first couple of sentences could be condensed (that the mother is an herbalist doesn't seem important, and though the 'crying voice that echoes her own loneliness' is very pretty, it doesn't say much besides that Marian is lonely--which makes me wonder why she's lonely when she's got her mother?) Also it's redundant to tell us that the fey have their own reasons and then tell us that reason--i'd just tell the reason.
I took a stab at it (you're helping me procrastinate too!):
When the forest near Marian's home is set to be destroyed for lumber, she struggles in vain to find a way to save her beloved refuge. The mythical and hidden Fey, who need the forest intact to protect their goddess, are more successful--they burn down Marian's village and all the lumber-seekers with it. Marian survives, but the loss of her family and home unleashes a (dangerous? unpredictable?) magic in her that she never knew she had.
Years later (?), Marian is engrossed in studying the magic that has become her life when the Fey come to her for help. Because of her mixed blood, she is the only one who can ___ (what precisely is she supposed to do to bring back the goddess of the Fey?). If she won't help them, she'll lose her magic (be more specific: will the Fey take it from her?). Marian must come to terms with her family's killers and evade the Enchanters--enemies of the Fey who will stop at nothing to thwart the return of the Fey goddess--or she'll lose not only her magic, but her life.
Let me know what you think! You've got a cool story here. Maybe I'll be brave and post my own query :)
I like some of the changes you made. Thanks for the feedback.
ReplyDeleteBe brave! Post away!
I loved your query critique over on Liana's blog!
ReplyDelete