Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Plea for a rewrite

This paragraph has remained fairly unchanged since its conception in draft one. I've been through five more drafts and still can't find a better way to word this. I like the sentiment and attitude, but have to admit that the flow is far from ideal.

 

As Jex left the assembly hall, he realized he had no idea where in Dashevona was this Monderay. However, on no account would he turn around and ask Zalandar. He may be a thief, but that didn't mean he had no pride.

 

It probably doesn't need pointing out, but Monderay is a village in the realm of Dashevona. Any suggestions on rewriting the above paragraph?

3 musings:

lynn said...

Leaving the assembly hall, Jax realized that he (still?) didn't know where Monderay was located. He could go back and ask Zalandar ...

No. Jax might be a thief, but he had his pride.

(or if we already knew Jax was a thief, you could change the last sentence to "Even thieves had pride.")
Hope that helps!

Just_Me said...

I like Lynn's....

You could also replace "was this" with "to find"

Or, an action rather than however. "He slowed, thinking of turning back and asking Zalandar. No. Even a thief could have pride."

Something like that.

Good luck with edits!

Feywriter said...

This helps so much. I think I will use a combination of your rewrites. Thank you both!