NaNoWriMo Rebel

Last year I set a firm resolution not to participate in NaNoWriMo until I finish one of my current WIP’s. But that still hasn’t happened! So I’m going to use the community to push me to do so. Going to be a Rebel and use NaNoWriMo 2012 to finish one of my neglected novels.

And it doesn’t hurt that I found the most awesome AND gorgeous tracker to use. Check out what the talented Svenja Liv has created: http://svenjaliv.com/2012/10/nanowrimo-2012-word-trackers/

I’m using her Forest Fairy template. LOVE it!

You can find me on the official site, username Feywriter. Who else is in? What are you writing?

Thursday’s Tale: The Minotaur’s Staff

My local writers group, Writers of the West, is using our weekly meetings as write-ins for NaNoWriMo this month. As I am not participating in NaNo, I have been using the meetings for reading through last year’s NaNo story (still incomplete) to refresh myself on it and do some editing.

We have another meeting tonight, so the story is on my mind. And since it is a Thursday, what better time to have a Thursday’s Tale.

Without further ado, here is the opening page of The Minotaur Staff:

"Hey, Weed, I found something!"

Wesley "Weed" Larkin squinted toward Ahmed's location. Fair enough, the sun glinted off something shiny in all that sand. He pulled the rim of his fedora down, and adjusted the scarf over his mouth. This better be good. Wes stepped into the roped enclosure. As he approached Ahmed, his foot hit something harder than sand. "A structure?"

"Na'am." Yes. Ahmed pointed to the cleared spot at his feet.

Wes knelt and brushed the sand away with his hand. Metal, not stone, glinted from beneath. "This could be it. Our city of gold. Clark!" The Irishman rushed over, red hair too bright, glaring in the sun. "Get a sample of this metal. I'll need it analyzed before I can inform Danvers."

While Clark extracted some metallic flakes and transferred them to his lab tent, the rest of the team moved in to start digging. Wes wanted to know what was in that building. It could be a temple, a throne room, a nobleman's house. Hopefully with something valuable preserved inside.

He grabbed a shovel and dug in with the rest of the team. His robes were covered in sand by the time Clark hollered. Wes took off his face scarf and used it to wipe the dirty sweat from his brow as he walked back to the tents.

Clark's brow was creased, making his glasses slide down his nose. He pushed them up as he looked up from the computer. "Not gold."

This is the book that never ends

I've been reading CHARACTERS & VIEWPOINT by Orson Scott Card. The part that's really helped me figure out what's wrong with my first novel is on story type. There are four types of story, summarized by MICE: Milieu (setting), Idea, Character, and Event.

"Within the first few paragraphs or pages, you tell the reader implicitly what kind of story this is going to be; the reader then knows what to expect, and holds the thread of that structure throughout the tale."

My story is apparently a Character type story, but the opening doesn't reflect that. My first version opened with a dream, which would reflect an Event story. Currently, it opens with describing the setting, culture. That's more fitting of a Milieu structure. I'm starting in the wrong place for this type of story. I need to start where Marian realizes her world has changed and she no longer belongs where she’s been. Her moment of change, not anything that has to do with the Enchanter/Fey conflict.

Cutting most of the first three chapters would also help with the problem I got with my last rejection: the opening is too slow. It will also get Marian meeting Jex sooner. Win-win. When my husband offered to read through my story again, I had no idea if I even WANTED to look at it again, let alone have a clue how to revise it. I was so sick of my story, I was ready to not just shelve it but burn it and bury the ashes. But now that I have ideas to fix it, it’s interesting again. Will I ever be done with this story??

Beware the Shovel…

… The Traveling Shovel of Death!

This shovel travels around the NaNoWriMo forums, invading people’s novels. Killing innocent characters (and some not so innocent). Demons, zombies, serial killer victims, suicide. Does someone need to die? Use the shovel. It may be disguised as a writing challenge to work the TSOD into your novel, but once you are aware of the shovel, it will invade whether you plan it or not.

I first heard of the shovel from Liana. There is even a Facebook group for the TSOD.

Has the shovel visited one of your novels?

This year, a shovel may just become my gladiator’s weapon-of-choice against the minotaurs.

Last year the shovel killed off a courtesan in RACE TO 100 DEATHS:

 

The three elves looked up as a lantern shone on them. The yellow light lit Cillia's horrified face as well as the carnage.

Sable, digging a fresh grave. Daon drinking blood from the corpse of her friend. And Tilara covered in blood.

"What have you done?" She rushed over and pushed Daon away. "Mellanae!" She looked at Daon, blood still on his lips. "She's dead! And you... you drink her blood?? Tilara?"

"She was injured. It was an accident. Yes, we took advantage of her death..."

Cillia stumbled. "You as well? Are all elves blood drinkers?"

Sable reached toward her. "We have no choice. You have to understand."

Cillia shook her head. "No. No. Out. Get out. Before I call the guard."

Sable grabbed her arm. She screamed. "Stay away from me!"

Sable's face hardened. A guttaral roar exploded from him as the shovel came up. He hit her in the head. She fell, nose and forehead bleeding. The lantern rolled to the side. He hit her again. Sobs shook him as he turned back to the grave. Tilara stood in shock as he began to widen the hole.

"You killed her. We could have left as she asked. She was our friend. You went too far."

Sable emphasized each word with a heave of the bloody shovel. "No. Choice. Monsters."

Daon grabbed Tilara's arm. "We have to get out of here. Now!"

The rose bushes had caught fire. Tilara considered leaving Sable. Perhaps the fire would kill him where a knife could not. But they were in this together. She grabbed his face, forcing him to look at her. "I know you cared. It's over now. Time to move on."

EotF update

About four months ago, I gave up on EotF. I didn’t know how to improve it, or even if I wanted to. And my queries weren’t doing well at all. 50 queries, and only 2 requests (which both ended in form rejects)? Not so good. But now the Muse Online Writers Conference is approaching again. There are a lot more publishers available for pitch sessions. I’ve grown as a writer, and I have some readers willing to help point out where it needs work, so I’m giving the story another go. I haven’t tried pitching or submitting to a publisher yet, so maybe I’ll have more luck than agent hunting.

This next month will be entirely focused on giving EotF a make-over. I’ve got some ideas to make the culture deeper, focus the conflict, and add in some more unisus scenes. I plan to have a new title when I’m ready to pitch as well. Make everything fresh, new, exciting. That’s the plan. I’m so grateful to have a husband fully supportive of me, and willing to talk about a project he is surely sick of by now.

Goal: Have a revised, polished draft of EotF (with new title) by Oct 11.

EotF musings

Now that I’m revisiting EotF, I’ve been wondering if there are other ways to make it stronger. I had a light bulb “what-if” moment, and shared it with my husband (my backboard to bounce ideas off of). My idea:

 

What if magic did have that chance to drive someone crazy if it remains untrained? (Not just a lie the Enchanter Council spreads.) The boys are trained when they are eight, so it prevents anyone from knowing the possibility for them is there. But females that escape the testing go mad: a self-fulfilling prophecy. What takes mental training/overcoming is the sensation of spiders crawling over the skin every time enchanter magic is cast.

 

I know I would go crazy if it felt like bugs crawling on me, but nothing was actually there.

 

My husband had a few suggestions to enhance the idea even more, and agrees that this will add more “incentive/motive/danger for various aspects of the story.” The other part of the idea is Marian getting her own moon spider. Currently, only the higher up enchanters have moon spiders. I need to figure out how Marian is going to acquire hers.

 

So, I need to work in some craziness and spiders with my description, and write an entire new chapter for Marian’s spider bonding, and a few more scenes. It’s not a lot, but I think it will improve it a lot. Querying is on hold until I finish these new revisions.

Late Tuesday Tally

Had full intentions to post this Tuesday. Don’t know what happened.

 

EotF Status

# of queries out: 4

# of fulls out: 0

 

T.C. Status

word count: 8,272

no change

 

FwM Status

word count: 3,983

 

Color Poems

complete: 14

min needed for chapbook: 20

wrote one on Steel

 

Previous goals:

• finish/revise fairy poem
• finish current chapter of TC and share with critique group – worked on this some, now on hold. see below
• highlight a few writing sites on blog – obviously didn’t happen. got the posts planned, starting writing them, and got interrupted every time. look for them this week. which now means the next few days.

Goals for this week:

• send out 4 more queries
• submit more poetry

 

I had all these plans to work on TC, then someone shared a link about the greek muses, and now I may make some changes. The article mentioned the original muses, three not nine: Melete (meditation), Mneme (memory), and Aoede (song). The Trinity Coven is currently influenced by the Triple Goddess, and each witch has their own elemental magic. Now I’m debating if I want to use the three muses instead. It would pull away from the oft used elemental magic (which EotF has with its fey). I’m only five chapters in, and not much of it would have to be rewritten. The change would come in my plotting. I could see the ending going a completely different direction. I don’t know if it’s better, just different. I could save the muse idea for a separate book, or I could combine it with Trinity Coven. Decisions, decisions.

 

On an awesomeness note, my poem has been accepted for Moon Drenched Fables! It will be in their September issue. I’ll announce when it’s up.

Post V-Day TT and another opening evaluation

EotF Status

Assumed rejection from Firebrand.

Another rejection from query; one still out.

 

T.C. Status

word count: 5,454

 

FwM Status

word count: 2,387

 

Previous Goals:

• another color poem
• synopsis for EotF - been too sick to focus on this (head fuzzy) but progress made
• figure out why my copy/paste has suddenly gone on strike... (was working fine just a few minutes ago!)  - fixed, but by magic rather than deduction
• finish TC chapter four - my goal for today, but if my head won't wrap around it then I won't punish myself for finishing it later this week

 

Goals for this week:

• work more on synopsis, so I can send out next batch of queries
• finish color poems in progress (green and violet) 
• submit a batch of poems
• get extra rest so I get better (awful sore throat, aching body, etc) 

 

Color poems complete: yellow, orange, blue, black, red, brown, and white. I'll probably do a gray. Maybe pink. Can't think of more after that. 11 poems is not enough for a chapbook. Hmm. I have an ART poem that would accompany these well. I'll have to decide what else to add to "My Palette of Color."

 

Edited to Add: Forgot to mention Valentine's Day! Wrote a Valentine Villanelle for my husband. Saturday we went and saw Push. Awesome show. Lots of action, kept me guessing, and was consistent with the rules it set. Plus, hottie Chris Evans. We'll be buying the movie when it comes out on DVD.

 

Another Secret Agent contest has come to an end. Here's my new opening (number 41) and results.

 

The opening (EotF):

Marian knelt by the small stream, watching the puddle jumpers. The blue sparks danced just out of reach as she dipped her hand in. The only sounds were the trickle of the stream and a pair of birds singing courtship.

She stood and wiped her hands on her long tunic. Why were the trees so silent today? The crying in Oak Tears was something that belonged only to her. Since a young age, Marian had heard what no one else could. Now the familiar ache's absence left her feeling strangely alone.

"Marian... Marian." Her sister came into view, cheeks flushed and dark hair loose from its braid.

"Terra, what's wrong?"

Terra stopped to catch her breath. "Mother... needs help... Glenna... baker's wife... having baby."

Marian gasped. "Has it been ten moons already?"

Terra shook her head. "Only eight and a half. Mother is over there now. She needs an ointment made and fresh water."

Marian didn't need to hear more. "You get a bucket from the well. I'll make the ointment and meet you at Glenna's."

Marian knocked on the door as she entered the room. Her mother looked up from her tea preparation at the hearth, sighed in relief, and motioned her daughter over. A ribbon held her dark brown hair out of the way. She handed Marian a ribbon to do the same.

Glenna squatted at the end of a worn bed. Her husband sat directly behind her, ready to brace her during her struggles.

 

Comments: 18

Hooked?: 12 yes; 3 no; 3 on the fence, would read a bit further to decide. Much better ratios than the last two times (6/8/10 the first time, and 3/6/2 the second). Apparently opening with this scene works much better.

 

Problems Cited by Readers:

- confusion about ten moons comment
- confusion about crying in Oak Tears/2nd paragraph in general (biggest issue, with 8 comments)
- puddle jumpers reminds of Star Trek
- opening elements seem unrelated (crying, etc then birthing)
- not enough hook (doesn't stand out)

 

What I can fix from the problems:
- Change name of puddle jumpers (not a Star Trek fan myself, so didn't make a connection.)
- Work on 2nd paragraph to remove confusions
- Make character/story more compelling on first page?? somehow?? Hoping it was more of a taste thing, as I did have many positive comments.

 

What Won't Change:
- not going too in detail about Oak Tears crying, as it comes up again at the end of same chapter. Besides, need some intrigue, can't answer all story questions.
- I'll allow readers to discover the connection between the opening threads as they read the rest of the chapter
- mention of ten moons long pregnancy. shows this is otherworld. As reader reads more, will learn their calendar is based off the moon (each month or Moon is 4 weeks or 28 days, one moon cycle). It's not even inaccurate week-wise for a human. 40 week pregnancy is standard, which is 10 of their moons/months, and nine of ours.

 

Most Helpful Comment:

Tara Maya said...

I think this is really important to the story: Why were the trees so silent today? The crying in Oak Tears was something that belonged only to her. Since a young age, Marian had heard what no one else could. Now the familiar ache's absence left her feeling strangely alone.
Unfortunately, it's confusing. You have be as explicit as possible.
"The crying in Oak Tears" -- Who or what is crying? Are the trees crying? Is there a disembodied sound of weeping and crying?
Since a young age, Marian had heard what no one else could.-- This is perfectly clear. Good.
the familiar ache's absence -- This is less clear. "Ache" sounds like something Marian would be feeling herself, not a description of something outside her, like the sound of crying. When she's in the grove of Oak Tears, does she ache too?

 

The secret agent (later revealed to be Kristin Nelson) said this about it:

The writing is quite solid in this entry but I can't help but feel that this introduction to the story is very ho-hum in terms of the genre of fantasy.
Over the years, I've read hundreds, maybe even thousands, of fantasy sample pages. This isn't going to stand out.
Now I like the crying in Oak Tears so that is interesting but not necessarily enough so.
The key with fantasy is to nail the character in the opening pages and I rarely see that done in unique way. Most writers rely on the worn familiar in the genre.
So what I'm saying is that this writer probably has possibility but this isn't getting the job done.

 

On a side note, Kristin form-rejected my query just 10 days before. At least she said my writing is solid and has possibility. Hopefully my opening will stand out more for another agent. If I can get them to read pages, that is...

End of October, Tuesday Tally

EotF Status

letting it sit before draft 6

 

T.C. Status

word count: 2,230 (increase of 759 words)

 

This Month's Goals

• Finish uploading EotF...
• poetry chapbook outlined and Muse Conf...
• make progress on TC...
• spend at least two hours daily (M-F) on writing related activities

 

Goals for November

• Poem a Week
• submit a batch of poetry weekly
• mail off Blazing Princess again

 

Successful month goal wise. I'm hoping next month will be even more productive.

 

Last night was our first monthly chat for our poetry group from the Muse Conference. As a group goal, we're each writing or polishing one poem a week and going to share and comment on each others poems. My last online poetry group wasn't very active and fell apart. Hopefully this one will last longer, and I'll make some new friends.

On the Poetic Asides blog, Robert Lee Bower suggested an alternative for poets during NaNoWriMo. Rather than write a novel in a month, do a poem a day with the goal of a chapbook of poems by the end of the month. NaNoWriMo scares me. A Poem a Day (PAD) feels more reasonable. So, my official goal is one poem a week, but I'm unofficially going to attempt a poem a day (draft, not polished).

 

Working on my poetry and the other exercises during the Muse Conference resparked my creativity. I finally wrote some new content for Trinity Coven! It felt really good. I've been stuck in editing mode for too long.

Tuesday Tally: What I learned last week

EotF Update

total words to date: 94,627

pages: 417

chapters revised: 27/27 (draft 5)

 

T.C. Status

word count: 1471

 

This Months' Goals:

Finish uploading the recent version of EotF to WDC at one or two chapters a day, including the elusive chapter 26, by Oct 11

have a poetry chapbook outlined and other assignments ready for Muse Conf, which starts Oct 13

use latter part of month (20-31) to put all that aside and make progress on TC

to accomplish all of the above, spend at least two hours daily (at least M-F) on writing related activities

 

The Muse Online Writers Conference was a brain-load of information, and a boost in creativity. I didn't keep up with all the workshops I signed up for initially, but the forums will be open for another month so I can go in and copy any information I want to save. The workshops I put the most time in were both poetry related.

 

The Creative Block Buster for Poetry workshop had a one-hour chat every morning Monday through Friday in addition to the forum. The chats were very enlightening. We brainstormed, discussed, and learned techniques to free our stuck poems. I learned how to listen to my poetry. I workshopped two poems during the week, and am very happy with the end results for both. Lisa Gentile, the presenter, had a power outage and was not able to make the Friday chat. I think it was a blessing in disguise for the rest of us. We talked about what we had learned, and by the end of the hour we had decided to put together an anthology of poems improved by the course, and meet again for future chats. Essentially, we formed a Poetry Group. Yay! We'll be meeting once a month to chat. Very exciting.

 

The other one I focused on was How to Turn Your Poetry Into a Saleable Chapbook. Yes, a mouthful, but an educating one. With encouragement, I went with the dark theme. Even my husband had once commented that a lot of my writing had the thread of darker emotion. The title I chose is Chiaroscuro. What, exactly, is my chapbook about? Exploring the darkness, bringing the monsters of death and abuse into the light. Thanks to the workshop, I have a completed chapbook, all formatted, and the tools to either submit or self-publish. I traded in-depth critiques with another member. Thanks to her feedback, I'm polishing/tightening the individual poems. My acknowledgements section is rather bare, so here's the plan:

1. Polish poems (mostly tweaking, no major revamps; I'm not in the same place I was when I wrote them)
2. Submit the best to various markets.
3. Once I get some publishing credits, submit the chapbook as a whole to poetry chapbook publishers.

 

(warning: rambling thoughts ahead)

Another Authoress Secret Agent contest recently ended. I made changes after the last one, and submitted a revised opening. The general consensus this time - opening much improved. However, my ratio of yes/no hooked didn't really go up. Out of 11 comments, 3 were definitely hooked, 4 definitely not, 2 said it was improved but still not quite hooked, 1 would read on for the genre though not quite hooked, and 1 would need to read the blurb first. Due to the tightened opening, an issue appeared on this first page that used to come up on a later page (see comments on opening, or skip to agent comment below to name that issue). I had received a couple comments prior saying it might turn off readers, or be a tough sell, but now that an agent and a couple more readers have expressed the same thing... and my husband admitted to not liking it as well... Gosh, tough stuff.

 

The event in question shapes my MC and though nothing is ever shown (trauma occurring before story opens), it does trigger some events and conversations in the first five or so chapters. No one seems to be bothered by the physical abuse, just the other kind. My husband did make the point that the issue is probably more that it appears so soon in the book, before the reader has a chance to really care about the characters. A backfired attempt to create reader sympathy (more a side effect, as the issue isn't there just for reader sympathy, but for character shaping and those aforementioned event triggers). I don't want to narrow my audience too far, or kill my chances to get an agent or publisher, if it really is that big of an Issue. So, in my next read-through and revisions, I will see if it is plausible to take out the problematic content. *sigh* Much work ahead.

 

Analyzing the agent's comment:

I do like how this adds some backstory detail in without being obvious, but I'm just not feeling enchanted. I'm not a reader of this kind of YA, but what hooks me regardless is character. Work on making your characters deeper, even on first glance; if you're writing a fairy story, there's a temptation to mimic fairy tale language, and that keeps your characters flat. Add details that make them seem real and full of life. I also balked at the suggestion of sexual abuse ahead, it didn't seem to fit with the tone.

On a plus note, no one complained that my opening had "telling dialogue", instead I got complimented from the agent. One problem fixed at least. Another issue in that comment. She refers to it as YA. My story is not Young Adult. The MC does start out as a teenager, but that alone doesn't make a YA. Would the confusion be cleared up with merely the introductory query letter or back blurb? Most likely. The question is, does the opening voice imply YA? Any opinions on that matter are welcome.

 

... Well, that was quite an entry. Probably could have been broken into three parts. Kudos and thanks to all those who made it this far. Don't be shy about sharing your opinion on anything in this post. I need to hear it straight.

 

Additional question for any who might help: Today, whilst using Windows Live Writer to compose this post, pressing enter is frequently creating a bullet point rather than simply starting a new paragraph or line break. How do I make it stop?? I'm pretty sure all my list html is closed, yet it keeps spawning new ones... This post is a mess...

 

Going to take a nap while B is still at school.

Tuesday Tally - Muse Conf time

EotF Update

total words to date: 94,627

pages: 417

chapters revised: 27/27 (draft 5)

 

T.C. Status

word count: 1471

 

This Months' Goals:

Finish uploading the recent version of EotF to WDC at one or two chapters a day, including the elusive chapter 26, by Oct 11

have a poetry chapbook outlined and other assignments ready for Muse Conf, which starts Oct 13

use latter part of month (20-31) to put all that aside and make progress on TC

to accomplish all of the above, spend at least two hours daily (at least M-F) on writing related activities

 

See that beautiful completed draft five up there? Last Thursday I wasn't feeling well, but I had that deadline, and I got that scene done. Yes, it was hard. Is it any good? I don't know. No one else has read it yet. But it's done. Now I get to ignore it for the rest of the month.

 

Keeping busy with the Muse Conference this week. Learning some good stuff, writing new stuff for assignments, and getting help with some poetry I'm stuck on. I'll definitely be signing up again next year.

 

... P has been here less than five minutes and already the boys are fighting. B wants to play, and P is cranky and tired and just wants to veg. Of course, B doesn't accept that and tries to force P to play with him, which just makes everyone more cranky. Ten minutes until bus time...

 

Alright, I refuse to end on that negative note. One of the workshops this week is on compiling a chapbook. I shared the many topics I cover in my poetry, and my indecision on choosing a good theme. The presenter replied and essentially gave me permission (encouraged even) me to go with the dark theme. I have a lot of poetry that deals with death/abuse/pain/darker emotion. I have an idea for a title, now the next step is target markets. I can't exactly put a chapbook of dark poetry in a pet store or flower shop. Will have to brainstorm.

Tuesday Update

I was productive in my procrastinating this past weekend. I've completely reworked my query for EotF (again). It's shorter, but hopefully more clear. Outside eyes would be helpful.

 

When Marian isn't helping her mother with her herbalist trade, she retreats to the forest. The woods hold a secret for her alone, a crying voice that echoes her own loneliness. When the forest is targeted for lumber, Marian is determined to find a way to stop it. Unbeknownst to her, however, the mythical Fey have their own reason for saving the forest. They take matters into their own hands and burn the village to protect the spirit of their banished goddess. Furious at the loss of her mother and home, Marian unleashes a magic she didn't know she had. Her magic becomes the one way she can have control in her life.

 

The Fey seek the hope of their race, a woman of mixed blood who can initiate the return of their goddess before their magic dies. The Enchanters fear the Fey goddess and kill every female born with magic in order to prevent her return. Marian fits the description, but only wishes to study her magic in peace. Marian must choose to either save those who killed her mother or lose the magic that has defined her.

 

Emergence of the Fey is a 95,000 word work of fantasy. I have been a moderator and fantasy newsletter editor for over two years on Writing.com.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

What I Learned from the contest

The opening (EotF):

"You did it again! Quit rambling about your tinker and concentrate. That's the second time you got soap in my eyes."

 

"I'm sorry. I'm just so excited." Terra's hands resumed lathering Marian's hair.

 

"He'll be here soon enough. At least stop waving your hands around." Thankfully, she did, and finished much quicker for it.

 

Marian perched on the edge of the bed. Terra, brown hair already washed and braided, knelt behind and ran a brush through her sister's tangled blonde curls. Marian looked out the small window, soothed by the familiar tugging on her scalp. The faint light of dawn beckoned her to the forest beyond.

 

A door crashed, shaking the whole house. Marian cringed as the brush yanked her head back. She barely heard the door slam shut again, overshadowed as it was by the accompanying rough voice. "Where's my hot breakfast, you useless women?"

 

Terra moaned. "Why couldn't business delays keep Hayden away until after Courtship?"

 

Marian's eyes widened in shock and she turned to face her sister. "Don't let Father hear you use his given name. You don't want another one of his talks."

 

"He's not my father. Besides, it won't be long before Kerr rescues me from this brothel."

 

"Then wait until you're gone to disrespect Father. You don't want your tinker showing up while you're nursing a black eye."

 

Terra scurried off the bed to pull a long tunic over her head before replying. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just so..."

 

Glaring Errors: Thankfully caught by my husband before actually submitting ('quite' instead of 'quit').

Comments: 24 not counting 3 posts

Hooked?: 6 straight yes; 8 straight no; 10 are either wavering, would read more despite not fully hooked, or were "close, but not quite"

Problems Cited by Readers:

- the brothel issue. (surprised by how much spawned from that one word.)
- unclear POV
- still too many characters/too much going on
- too melodramatic/overwrought
- lack of physical description.
- too much hair

- too much telling in dialogue

What I can fix from the problems:
- I can edit for clarity and have removed the word brothel altogether. poor word choice. after contemplating, I realized Terra (who uses the comparison) probably doesn't even know what a brothel is. Small village and all.
- I can add some internal stuff from Marian, especially in the first paragraph, to denote her as the POV character
- read more to learn how to recognize melodramatic/overwrought writing
- remove Kerr's name altogether from the first scene.

- take out DL about "not my father", show sister's reactions more outside of DL, and add a bit with Marian's thoughts on why her sister is not fearing Hayden as usual.

- scrutinize and edit the dialogue in general

- shorten the brushing paragraph?

 

What Won't Change:
- the hair. I can't come up with a better opening that has them doing something other than getting ready in the morning before being interrupted. and I don't want to start with the door slam (tried it, didn't work). though an alternate could be moving it to later in the day, interrupting chores. but then I wouldn't have an excuse to show any physical description until later in the book when the reader will have a set picture in their head. (plus, would take away Hayden's excuse for a one-on-one with Marian)
- amount of physical description. I can't change this on every comment. There will always be unhappy people - too much description, not enough description. "I don't care what eye, hair color they have" vs "I want to be able to visualize every physical aspect".
- the tinker. I'm going to take out the reference to his name, but he is the reason for Terra's attitude. I am also not going to explain it on the first page. Most fantasy readers will have an idea what a tinker is, and those that don't can keep reading and find out. Really, if it was 'Chandrian' or some other capitalized fantasy term then the question wouldn't come up. Readers would accept and read on to learn more.

Most Helpful Comments:

Lori's point-by-point breakdown:

As it is right now, no.
1) The POV, to me, wasn't clearly discernable until several lines into the section, so I had no idea which character's head I was supposed to get in to.
2) Lots of dialogue, with no interjections of gestures or vocal intonations, make an interchange like this rather dry and lifeless.
3) Too many characters mentioned or introduced in oly 250 words.
4) There's a distinct lack of physical descriptions that would help ground your reader in this world and help them visualize the characters than inhabit it.
BUT, there's definite potential and conflict to be had. Just needs some tightening up, IMHO.

 

The secret agent (later revealed to be Holly Root) said this about it:

Hmm, this is a close but not quite. It took me two reads--a minus--but there's something interesting here. I'd watch the telling in dialogue.

 

I appreciate those who read the previous opening, letting me know that this one is much improved despite needing tweaking.

Tuesday Tally and feeling better

EotF Update

total words to date: 91,507

pages: 407

chapters revised: 13/27 (draft 5)

 

T.C. Status

word count: 1471

 

This month's goals:

• finish five antagonist chapters for EotF - 2/5 done
• finish EotF draft 5 
• submit at least one batch of poetry
• submit Blazing Princess
• work on Trinity Coven

Last week's goals:

• finish 2nd ant. ch. and write 3rd
• prep next Fantasy newsletter
• wait in eager anticipation for Friday's listing of contest entries, and comment on at least five other openings once they're up - great stuff over there! quite a learning experience 
• write a new poem (for WDC contest)

This week's goals:

• submit poetry
• write another new poem
• write 3rd and 4th antagonist chapters

 

I got a little caught up revising my opening of EotF and didn't get around to writing the third Zalandar chapter (as an aside, "The Zalandar Chapters" sounds like a title of its own...). Will remedy that this week.

 

Still a tad under the weather, but seemed to be a short-lived sickness. Yay for small blessings.

Openings

Authoress will be having another contest over at Miss Snarks First Victim. This one is a first page contest. Submit your 250 words, each opening will get its own blog post, and everyone can comment on it. There is even going to be a Secret Agent commenting on every entry! An opportunity not to be missed.

 

To get some feedback and practice with our opening paragraphs, there's a little warm up contest over at http://lianabrooks.blogspot.com/. I've got the openings of three of my stories up, and have already received some helpful feedback. Feel free to join us over there (deadline is tomorrow).

 

Liana also wrote a great post on Classic First Lines.

What makes a great opening line? What makes that first sentence pop out and grab your attention?

At random I pulled some books off the nearest bookshelf in my house and started cruising through.

Read her post for her insight. I like the idea of looking at random openings and want to try it myself. As the books on my desk aren't too random, I'll need to get into the overflowing box of books sitting in the front room whilst waiting for storage. I'll do my evaluation in a follow-up entry.

 

In other news, I can't believe I forgot to mention winning a DVD! I entered a drawing over on the Universal HD forums. They had Firefly Shindigs going during rebroadcasts of Firefly, and I won a copy of Done the Impossible! Very shiny. I have watched the main documentary and love it. There are so many special features on the disk for me still to explore!

Tuesday Tally

EotF Update

total words to date: 88,644

pages: 392

chapters revised: 3/21 (draft 4)

 

T.C. Status

word count: 1471

 

Goals for next week:

• send poetry submissions  (2 batches)
• revise at least five chapters of EotF
• Fantasy newsletter

 

My husband finished reading EotF, the first to get all the way through. He pointed out a few big issues which I will address in this current draft. I'm glad to have an honest critiquer. :-) Hopefully correcting those issues will also bring my word count back up, as most of my editing thus far has been deleting.

 

I think my problem with T.C. is not knowing my story well enough. I know the general arc, and a few major scenes, but that leaves a lot of empty space in between. I am proving myself to be much more of a plotter than a pantser. I'll let the story stew some more while I work through this round of edits on EotF.         

Page 99

I recently learned about the 99 page test: “…skip to page 99, read it, and if the writing or scene grabs you, chances are, it’s worth beginning. If not, toss it.”

 

Of course, curious, I turn to the current page 99 for EotF. Here it is:

 

Jex shifted. "If I had another horse, or if Nac didn't mean so much, I'd let you take him in your search for your sister."

 

Marian snorted. "Trust me, I'm glad to be rid of him. Your stupid horse wouldn't shut up. If I could, I'd pay you to take him back."

 

"Wait. What do you mean he wouldn't shut up?"

 

"He just kept talking, complaining and telling endless stories that I have no interest in…"

 

"I thought you said you couldn't talk to horses."

 

"I couldn't. But now I can. Whatever happened on that mountain… apparently awoke more than just Fey magic."

 

"I wouldn't go around advertising that if I were you."

 

Marian paled, realizing the implications of the wrong person finding out. He's a dasa, subservient to an enchanter. What am I doing blabbering to him about my abilities? He's right. I shouldn't be talking about it. Not even to him. Especially to him. "You can't tell anyone. Just leave me alone. Forget you ever met me."

 

"Already forgotten. It's a good thing the bard didn't overhear. I don't think he'd be as generous."

 

Marian lifted her chin defiantly. "Cail is a good man. He wouldn't turn me in."

 

Jex spoke softly. "It's good to hope so, but I wouldn't suggest betting your life on it."

 

What would your reaction be? Toss or read? Who knows if this will be my same page 99 once I'm done with revisions. Got some big ones in the works. But an interesting test nonetheless. And if you're more of a first pages person, you can read the first scene on my website, or a slightly modified version of the first chapter on Crapometer.

Tuesday Tally and other updates

EotF Update

total words to date: 89,801

pages: 397

chapters revised: 0/21 (draft 4)

 

T.C. Status

word count: 443

 

Previous Goals:

• two scenes for T.C. - still struggling. need smaller baby steps 
• name my new sea creature (Leviathan replacement) - vote on sidebar 
• work with B on letters and crafts on school days he has off for Spring Break - very productive :) 
• get book on Ley Lines from B&N - looked, but they don't have any in store. would have to order :( 

Goals for next week:

• write a minimum of one paragraph (or 10 lines dialogue) every day toward T.C. 
• send out Blazing Princess again 
• find good website on albinism      

 

Yes, I missed a day in blogging. Almost three months before missing one though; good streak. It was recently brought to my attention that having multiple scenes with both Isaida and Indil was confusing, so I'm changing the name Indil. I've narrowed it down to two replacements: Gale and Gaelin. Very similar, I know. But which to use? Here's his description if you'd like to pitch in your thoughts.

 

The Fey male formerly known as Indil:

Sylph (air fey). Pale blue eyes. To quote Yensid, "His hair was long, reaching just past his shoulders, and very light, almost silver, pulled back in a ponytail, held in a clasp that reflected the light shining into the clearing. Shoulders broad, waist thin, covered in loose clothing the color of the sky. His hands were long and pale, gesturing gracefully. "

 

I realize I am awful at beginnings. They take me forever! Once I started writing it, I took three months to write the first chapter of EotF, another seven months for chapter two. The rest averaged out at a chapter a month. I spent a lot of time world-building and doing character profiles. I'm tempted to procrastinate by doing a lot of research for T.C. (real world setting = intimidation) . But at the same time, I know most of the story isn't dependent on setting or research. My plan has been to check facts and work in details after I have a first draft to work with. If I decide to research some along the way, that's fine, but I need to get into my book if I'm to finish a first draft this year.

Tuesday Tally

EotF Update

total words to date: 89,801

pages: 397

chapters revised: 0/21 (draft 4)

 

T.C. Status

word count: 307

 

Goals for next week:

• exercise 3x
• write more in T.C. 
• list of research books for T.C. (Stonehenge, Chaco Canyon, etc)   

 

My goal for this month is to finish chapter one of Trinity Coven. And I may need a new name for one of my main characters if I am not to be forever mocked by my husband.

Another Tuesday Tally

Status of my novel

1. first draft
2. read and revise for plot
3. read and revise for continuity
4. read and edit for grammar
5. polish prose to prettiness
6. write query and synopsis
7. query agents

total words to date: 89,799

pages: 397

chapters revised: 21/21 (draft 3)

Previous goals:

• chapter critique  - done.  
• write first scene of T.C. - brainstormed, but didn't actually write it yet 
• read a good chunk of Liz's manuscript - read some. don't know if it would constitute a good chunk... will read more! :-)  
• plan details for B's birthday party - pretty set on what I want to do. nothing too complicated, as he'll only be 4.

Goals for next week:

• chapter critique
• write first scene of T.C. 
• send party invites (soon!)
• enter first chapter contest 
• move website "news and updates" to its own page 

 

I revised the opening of EotF... again... I took the better elements from the two previous versions, then made a couple other changes. Now I get to resist making more changes to the rest of the manuscript until I can get some overall feedback. You can now read the first two pages (in addition to some other excerpts) over at my website for EotF.