Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day

As a writer, my teddy pretty much attends work every day. But I figured this would be a great time to repost my Teddy Tribute.

Cocoa: the cuddly kind, not the edible kind
originally posted 11/14/07

I am grateful for teddy bears. My bear Cocoa was given to me when I was ten years old. My family was about to move to the other end of the state, and my best friend threw me a going away party. I got gifts from various friends, and the bear was what she gave to me. The moment I saw him I knew his name. Moving away from all my friends was very hard for me. That night after getting Cocoa, I fell asleep holding him. He represented all I was leaving behind.

Cocoa was always a comfort to me. I slept with him every night, even taking him on sleepovers and campouts. He soaked up many tears, and was always there. I've written two poems about him. The first one I wrote in Junior High and was my very first Haiku. It was sometime during High School that I wrote the second.

Brown, soft, and furry, 
He comforts me through the night--
My teddy Cocoa.

My Teddy
I live a lonely life these days,
There's not much that can comfort me;
Just a letter from a friend, my life-long journal,
And Cocoa, my cherished teddy.
A bear will always listen,
And never dispute a claim;
Won't ever tell your secret,
Or give away the game.
He'll always be there for you,
If you just want to talk,
Or need something to hold to,
Like algae to a rock.
He'll never walk away from you,
Or leave you all alone.
He's more a comfort to me
Than talking on the phone.
I love my teddy Cocoa,
He means so much to me.
I'm not complete without him,
Just leaves without a tree.

As a confession, I slept with him up to the night before my wedding. There were times I even took him to school with me. It was a comfort knowing he was there in my backpack, and I took him out during lunch as I sat at my locker. I didn't care what people thought. Even now, when I'm not feeling well or having a bad day, I will cuddle up with him. He's the one stuffed animal I won't let B  play with. So many memories wrapped up in one bear.

Looking back at 2011

My year started in upheaval. I had no sure footing, no idea where I'd be at the end of the year. I found it incredibly hard to come up with goals. I had three works in progress, so my only plan was to finish one of them.

I had plenty of time I could have used, but got too caught up in insecurities and distractions. Felt like I wasted my year away.

The surprise was getting Lifelines published. That was my writing highlight of the year.

My strengths are in grammar and world building. My weakness is not torturing my characters. The story gets too predictable, not unique or grabbing. I need to take my stories to the next level! I need to apply my poetic description to my prose, and use more story in my poetry.

If I could get a do-over, I would spend less time stressing over the unknown and put more energy into my passions. I also need to spend less time revising works in progress, and more toward actually finishing them.

Still working out goals for this year. My projects still lie unfinished. I have my first book which is calling me to revise it again, but I worry that it still wouldn't have a strong enough hook for publication. My goal is to come up with goals by the end of the week.

Wrote this as a response to Anne’s post on Poetic Muselings.

ABC Meme

Saw this on Nikki’s blog and decided to play along. :)  

Age:  28

Bed Size:  Queen

Chore You Hate:   Cleaning bathrooms. Eww.

Dogs:   Allergic.

Essential Start of Your Day:  Claritin (at least for a good chunk of the year)

Favorite Color:  Purple

Gold or Silver:  Silver

Height:  5’8”

Instruments You Play:  Piano, Microphone

Job Title:  Mother, wife, writer.

Kids:  One, a seven-year-old boy

Live:  Utah

Mom's Name:  Super Mom

Nicknames:  M, M&M, Mar-Bear, MJ

Overnight Hospital Stays:  Birth of my son

Pet Peeve:  people who jay walk when the crosswalk or streetlight is a mere four car lengths away. Really, people. It would be quicker to walk down and make use of the light than wait for a gap in traffic. Not to mention safer.

Quote From a Movie:  “I don’t care what you believe, just… BELIEVE.”

Right- or Left-Handed:  Right

Siblings:  9. Three older brothers, an older sister, and four younger sisters.

Time You Wake Up:  6am to make my husband’s lunch, then back to bed until 7:30am (unless, like this morning, B gets up around 7). Weekends, usually around 8am.

Underwear:  worn

Veggie You Dislike:   turnip

What Makes You Run Late:  Losing track of time. My son’s stalling.

X-Rays You Have Had:  Dental, ultrasound, spine.

Yummy Food You Make:   crockpot lasagna

Zoo Animal You Like Best:  monkeys. I miss the monkey island they had at Hogle Zoo when I was a kid.

Sometimes the Mail Brings Joy

Many years ago, I would get excited for the mail to come. Waiting for letters from friends, and responses from mailed poetry submissions. I would run out barefoot to the mailbox, eager to be the first one to open it and see what delights may be inside. Not often was something for me, but those moments I would find an envelope with my name would get me bouncy. Yes, even when the poetry responses were rejections. I was young and eager. And when I got a letter from my childhood friend who rarely wrote, my entire family knew about it. So great was my joy.

One of my novels on the backburner seeks to capture that joy again, with the added thrill of eavesdropping on someone else’s mail. In Fly With Me, Vincent gets intrigued by a handwritten letter to his roommate, which is discarded without being opened. With permission, he reads the letter and gets a glimpse into the life of a woman who still believes in magic.

In my own life, it seems mail brings burdens more than joy. You know what I mean: the bills that never end, advertisements which overflow my recycling box. Most of the good things are now self-activated rather than surprises. These last few days just happened to bring more of those than usual. Saturday:  check I had forgotten was coming; a package from Disney Movie Rewards that was redeemed months ago. And today my Barnes and Noble order arrived. I’ve been wanting the book for Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog ever since I saw it listed last October. After a few delays, it finally came out on  March 29, and today I hold it in my hands! Full script and sheet music, behind the scenes info, commentary by cast and crew. Love!

What do you love and hate about the mail?

Raw Truth

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Bliss Book

I first started a bliss book during Tamlyn Leigh’s workshop at the Muse Online Writers Conference.

 

What is a Bliss Book?

A book with all kinds of things that make you smile, just a small journal, with pictures pasted in it, poetry that brings a smile on your face, quotes that remind you of the good things in life.

 

Read about creating your own bliss book here.

 

Whenever I was feeling like my writing sucked, or generally depressed, I could open my bliss book and bring on a smile. I used a lovely illustrated fairy journal. I put in pictures of unicorns and teddy bears, inspirational quotes, excerpts from acceptance letters, journaled about some of my best writing moments. My book made me happy.

And now it is gone. It had a place on my desk, easily at hand. Last week I went to add something, and realized it was gone. I scoured the entire house, even checking under beds and in my son’s closet. Can’t find it. Gone. Gone gone. You know how I was sick lately? I had the garbage can next to my desk for easy tissue disposal. I’m afraid I or my son knocked my book into the garbage. I simply don’t know what else could have happened.

I wish we had back-ups for physical items like we do virtual. I grieved. All that creativity and pictures gone. Sadness is counter-productive to the purpose of the book though. Life moves on.

On a positive note, I have an identical journal. I had bought one, then shortly after received one as a gift. Now I have a use for that second journal. Find new pictures, new quotes. It won’t be exactly the same, but I’m sure I will find the same bliss. Time to start anew.

Some high-jacking, rambling, fun

 

And yes, Dr. Horrible won!

 

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

 

671. If you saw The Queen of the Damned did you want to be a vampire/Goth afterwards? Haven't seen it. But now that I've looked it up, I'm interested in seeing it.

672. If you saw SLC Punk did you want to be punk afterwards? Haven't, and probably not.

673. What is your favorite zombie movie? ooh, tough question. I love the Resident Evil movies, my favorite of which is Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Zombies on a Plane was hilarious. 28 Days Later and sequel 28 Weeks Later are great ones focused less on the chasing and eating and more on the personal/society horrors of a zombie apocalypse.

674. Best kids birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater. sleep over. never heard of a ceramics party.

675. What were your parties like when you were a kid? due to so many kids, we only had birthday parties every four years: ages 4, 8, 12, and 16. Mom always made the cake herself. We got to choose a theme, and it was a big deal. The other birthdays were celebrated as a family.

 

676. Best teen (about 15-16) birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater, house party, catered in a hall, restaurant, family trip, concert. concert would have been awesome

 

677. What are/were your 15-16 year old parties like? I had a murder mystery party with a small group of friends.

678. Best 18th birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater, house party, catered in a hall, restaurant, family trip, concert, club, pool hall, college party. restaurant with a few close friends

679. If you are 18 what was your party like? I didn't have a party.

680. Best 21st birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater, house party, catered in a hall, restaurant, family trip, concert, club, pool hall, college party, bar, Atlantic city/Las Vegas trip. I was five months pregnant at the time. I was happy going to a nice sit-down restaurant.

681. If you saw The Craft were you interested in wicca/paganism/magic afterwards? haven't seen it

682. What are your top 3 priorities? relationships, making sure I have time for myself, and the written word

683. If you saw fight club did you want to get into a fistfight afterwards? dumb question

684. What is your favorite smell? the smell walking by The Body Shop. I don't know what it is, but it's rejuvenating.

685. Give everything below a humor rating (1 = laugh your ass off, 2 = lol, 3 = smile, 4 = lame, 5 = not funny, 6 = offensive): going to do this a little different than asked for, and group them into three categories: offensive, not funny, and potential for humor (can be anywhere from 1-4 depending on the joke/situation)

People falling: not funny
Rape jokes: offensive
Sarcastic comments: potential
Blonde jokes: potential
Dirty jokes: not funny
God/religion jokes: potential
Long-ass jokes: potential
Death jokes: potential
Pain/sickness jokes: not funny
Animals doing cute stuff: potential
Bodily functions: potential
Knock jokes: potential
Ethnic jokes: offensive
Puns: potential
Ironic situations: potential

685. If you saw Cruel Intentions did you want to have lots of meaningless sex afterwards? getting tired of these questions... especially as I've never seen these movies.

 
686. Do you get at least three hugs per day? yes. my husband, my son, and I are all physically affectionate.

 

687. What should someone never say to you/call you if they want to remain on your good side? Don't ever call me "Doll."

688. If you saw Trainspotting did you want to do drugs afterwards? not applicable

689. Do movies have a great influence on you? At last! the basic question these were leading up to. They have an emotional influence, but not a lifestyle one.

690. Do you have a favorite reality TV show? The Colony. What an interesting social experiment. We discovered the show when we saw it available to purchase on Xbox Live, and have been watching it on Discovery Channel's website ever Thursday. The Colony replicates a post-apocalyptic world. How would ten people survive? They have to scavenge for their own food, find ways to get and sanitize water, create electricity, and ensure their survival.

 

691. Are there certain roles that people are pressured to play in society or can they basically do whatever they want? In these days, you can basically do what you want. But some paths have more challenges, and all choices have consequences.

692. How does the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake compare to the original movie? I didn't see the original. I thought the remake was well done.

693. Have you ever held a magnifying glass over an insect to burn it? No.

694. Have you ever pulled the wings off a fly, butterfly or any other insect? No. I don't torture insects. And I only kill them if they are inside the house.

695. What would you think of a guy (if you're into guys) or a girl (if you're into girls) who wanted to take you to the park to feed the birds and look at the turtles and fish in the water on a date? I think that would be cool. I like parks.

 

696. Do you use public pools? Yes. Been a long time since I've been swimming though.

697. Do you use public bathrooms? yes. out of necessity.

698. Do you use public showers? only after using the public pool. swimsuit still on.

699. How old will you be in 17 years? 43. Wow.

 
700. Would it affect you at all if you knew that a very large meteor was headed towards earth that would impact in 17 years? I would hope that I'm already making the most of my life. Is this a kill everyone meteor, or a create a post-apocalyptic world, or merely cause much devastation? If it's not guaranteed death, I'd start doing better on my food storage.

Procrastinating...

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

556. What do you need advice about? writing a synopsis. I'm pulling my hair out on this one. (And obviously procrastinating.)

557. Have you been half-asleep and have you heard voices? yes. it's very odd being awake enough to hear people talking, yet asleep enough that you can't move even a finger. I wonder if that is what being in a coma is like?

558. Do you have a good luck charm? My graduation necklace, a silver '01'. I used to wear a necklace more often. I had forgotten how many I own. They give me a focus for my fiddling. Which reminds me of the downside. My son also likes to fiddle with them... which is why I stopped wearing them regularly.

559. Should animals have the same right to life as people? ooh, this is a toughie. I'd have to say no. there are animals designated (by God and man) for use as food. And at times it is needed to put an animal down because it is a danger to humans. Do they deserve to be tortured, or killed needlessly? Absolutely not. But Man comes first.

560. What is your least favorite body part? My legs. I hate having to shave them. Yet when I don't, they itch and feel ugly. When I do, I tend to nick myself; and next thing you know, they are prickly again. Ick. There is no winning.

561. Do you enjoy British comedy? I haven't seen enough to give a general yes or no. Most of what I've seen I haven't cared for, but I've recently been introduced to Dr. Who. I've only seen one episode so far, so am currently undecided. But it wasn't an immediate 'no'.

562. Are there ever happy endings or does nothing end? there are happy endings, but they do not end a person's life, merely a part of their story. like a book. the characters lives go on after the end, but they can have a "happy ending" for this event or storyline.

563. What is your worst trait? My initial instinctive answer is procrastination. but I think the root trait is deeper than that. Worrying. Worrying what people will think, if I'll get it right, if any of it matters, if anyone is reading, if I'm good enough. Worry, worry, worry. Sometimes my brain won't shut it off.

564. Is the world more beautiful because of love? yes. we see so much more when we love and feel loved. our senses are opened to new things. it's easier to be optimistic, and thus everything is beautiful.

565. What is the essence of you? dandelion seeds. I could explain, but I'll let you interpret that. ;-)

566. What really inspires you? music, stories - both the true and the fanciful, soaking in sunlight while lying on the grass listening to the sounds of the world

567. Have you met your soul mate? yes. but I also believe there are multiple soul mates, perfect matches, out there for each person. It's a matter of proximity and timing.

568. Is everyday a special occasion? every day should be, but no. Sunday, when B was sick and threw up in his ramen... not so special an occasion. Unless you look at it in the way that it's special because it doesn't happen frequently. Hmm. Back to point of view.

569. What sound would you rather hear than any sound in the world? rain. it's a soothing backdrop. I could live without hearing my loved ones, as long as I feel them. Relates to my love languages being quality time and physical touch, not words of affirmation.

570. Of the following which word best describes you:
natural: this is me! my hair dries naturally, I only wear make-up on special occasions, and I'm myself - what you see is what you get.
outgoing: definitely not
polite: I try, but sometimes I do or say things without thinking
quick thinking: sadly, no

571. Do any commercials make you want to break your TV? yes!! The Ikea commercial for their sales. Crazy lady, thinking she's getting a steal of a deal, running out to the husband and parked car... "Start the car! Start the car!" Kill the crazy high-pitched lady!

572. Have you ever lost your religion? no. even when I wasn't following it, I never discarded it. make sense?

573. Do you want to share your life with someone? yes! I AM sharing my life with someone (well, two someone's). One of my fears is being alone.

574. Where ARE the wild things? hiding, but their space is slowly being invaded, leaving little undiscovered.

575. Would you rather have a child genetically related to you or an adopted child? either. both deserve unconditional love and welcoming arms. If I hadn't been able to have children, I would definitely have adopted. Though getting a child genetically is cheaper, and the process is a bit more enjoyable. However, I don't want to go through the being pregnant again (see previous question) and would definitely adopt if we decide we want another child (yes, this is something my husband and I have discussed). For now, very happy with just one.

576. If I had a birthday party would you come? "I" being the person who created this list of questions? No, I do not know you. I rarely go to birthday parties of people I do know.

577. What seemingly impossible thing is POSSIBLE? the flight of a bumblebee.

578. What song do you love to sing out loud? The Ballad of Eleuteria. It's one I wrote myself. I'll often sing it in the shower, or while waiting for the bus to drop off my son.

579. Have you ever run through the woods naked and played in a stream (you should)? Nope

580. Have you ever taken long solitary night walks? yes. see number 413 for a specific memory.

Ideas, Stories, Influences

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

 

528. If you were going to write a bedtime story for someone you loved what would it be about? Currently, it would have to include a pig named Snort, and a hippo named JoJo. They would probably take a train ride to some fantastic world, making friends in unexpected places. Until the moon tucks them in at night.

 

529. Does anyone understand you? My husband, more than anyone.

530. Do you understand yourself? Usually.

531. Earth, Air, Fire, and Water: Which is your element? I may be a Water Dog, but my true element is definitely Air. Air magic plays a big part in all three of my novels. If I could choose a superpower, it would be flight.

532. Who influences you to be the way you are? I'm too lazy to be consciously influenced by much outside my little family. Though I'm sure everything I experience and everyone I meet influences me in some way.

533. What is one idea that you live by? Believe. Believe in a higher power, believe in your dreams, believe in yourself, believe in good in the world.

"I don't care what you believe, just believe in it." —Shepherd Book, Serenity, 2005

 

534. How can people act to make you want to get to know them? Easygoing and kind.

535. Are you more delicate or tough? delicate

536. Would you rather be smarter or more beautiful? smart. beautiful people get noticed more often than I'd be comfortable with

537. Have you ever had a surprise party? yes. My fifth grade class threw me a going-away party before I moved. It was very touching.

 

538. When are you at a loss for words? Anytime I'm put on the spot. I hate being quizzed. My mind goes blank.

539. What is the worst time to be alone? Late at night. When you're awake, and the world is quiet. It's lonely and unsettling.

10 Questions, in which I muse about TV and remember the past

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

 

461. Do you have street smarts? no

462. Do you have a lot of common sense? also no

463. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Praline Pecan

464. What's your favorite movie that involves dancing? I love dancing movies! Picking two for this one. "Strictly Ballroom", which I haven't seen in years; and "Take the Lead", which is so inspiring.

465. Would you ever want to become a guest on a talk show? If yes what would the show's theme be? No desire to.

466. Do you like the way you look naked? An unexpected question... Answer: Mostly.

467. Have you ever dissected an animal? Yes. Biology in junior high. Surprisingly, the worm was worse than the frog.

468. Who do you know who is brilliant? My older brothers. All brilliant. I've always looked up to them.

469. Who do you know who is dull? Not going to answer this one. Protecting the innocent and all that.

470. Do you ever think about time travel? Yes. Gets very complicated. Did you see the premiere of Heroes season 3? Wow.

More QA

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

 

429. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? slug (touched one once accidentally. eww, eww, eww!)

430. Do you care about your weight? I don't monitor it regularly, but I would certainly care if I gained a noticeable amount

431. Did you/will you go to the prom? yes, I went to prom. though I asked him (he went to a different school). would I have been asked by anyone if I hadn't taken the initiative? probably not.

432. Have you ever wanted to date twins? no. though there were some cute ones that were friends of a younger sister.

433. What one thing would you change about high school if you could? more options for the half year electives. I took a fashion class for the sole reason that it was the "best of the worst" of my options.

434. If you came with a warning label, what would it say? keep away from sharp corners

435. Are you artistic and creative? as a writer, I'd like to believe so

436. What were you (probably) doing on this date last year? thanks to blog archives, I can actually look this up. I was blogging and working on writing the first draft of EotF during the 100 days challenge.

 

437. What are you obsessed with? books

438. What was the last compliment you received? My query sounds like a great story! Always good to hear what's working. :-)

439. Do you have any brothers or sisters? yes. 3 brothers and 5 sisters.

440. Who would you like to be alone with right now? my husband. :-)

441. Do you push people away when you really want them to come closer? sometimes. when I don't feel worthy of a relationship, I have a tendency to throw at them all my faults, testing them to see if they want "the real me". (not deliberate, mind you, just something I've observed from evaluating past relationships)

442. Is a prenuptial agreement necessary or does it take the romance and trust out of marriage? I can understand certain situations might lend themselves to a prenup (celebrity weddings as an example), but most marriages don't (or shouldn't) need one.

443. Do you lie your way out of things? occasionally. don't we all? most commonly with telemarketers.

More Thoughts and Memories

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

 

413. What's the bravest or most daring thing you have ever done? I don't know about brave. for daring as in stupid: once walked seven miles from a movie theatre to my parents house, after midnight, stopping once to nap on some grass next to a business sign. though I wasn't stupid enough to accept a ride offered by some guys driving by.

414. "What's the point of robbery when nothing is worth taking?" (- Adam Ant) Power. To prove that you can break in, or the person isn't as safe as they thought. No, I haven't done it, but I've read plenty of books. :-)

415. If your man or woman served you breakfast in bed as a treat what would you want? I love French Toast, but I don't think I want to risk that in bed, so we'll go with fruit, cinnamon rolls, and milk.

416. What do you do only when you are upset? swear

417. What's the oddest CD in your collection? Mediaeval Baebes: The Rose

418. What's the best diary name you ever saw? diary's have names? Blogs have names. I suppose a blog can be an online diary I suppose. I always considered diaries to be more private lock and key than journals though. A favorite blog title I've seen: "The Butterfly Effect: The smallest event can change everything."

419. What would your friends be surprised to learn about you? I was once hospitalized for depression.

420. Who owes you an apology? nobody owes me anything

421. Who deserves an apology from you? all my blog readers, for my inconsistent entries. my writing group for not keeping updated.

422. How would you like to treat your kids differently from the way your parents treated you? more consistent bedtime. But B needs the bedtime routine. I know all children are different, and I was an exception in my family. When I was little my mom let me stay up and play as long as I didn't disturb the rest of the family, then go to bed on my own when I got tired. Of course there were more restrictions once I got into school, but I've always been the night owl. I think my parents did a great job raising me. They did their best. I hope to do the same with my son.

423. Which do you like best: 60's, 70's or 80's fashion? 80's, as that's what I grew up with. given a choice though, I'd go back further, to the 50's.

424. What is the worst pick up line ever used on you? online: "Can you teach me how to cyber?"

425. Of the following, which word best describes you: inventive, kinetic (energetic), light-hearted, mature. inventive

426. Do you own a record player? no. Do you use it? NA

427. How easily do you make friends? I am open to friendships, but not very good at initiating them.

428. What is the difference between having character and being a character? being comfortable with your self, versus projecting a personality that you want others to see

Judging, Genetics, and such

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

 

381. Do you sometimes do risky things? Yes.

 
382. Could just about anyone hold your interest in a conversation for at least ten minutes? Could I listen to someone that long? sure. Would I actually be interested? not necessarily.

383. Are you self-conscious? About my looks, not much. About my performance, absolutely. This is why I cannot accompany on the piano.

384. What would be your ideal destination for a Saturday afternoon? On a nice day, the zoo. On a hot or cold day, a nice afternoon at home.

385. Does anyone have a video tape of you doing something embarrassing? Not that I know of. If anyone else does... give me a call and we'll work something out. ;-)

386. What is Kevin Smith’s best movie? Do minor acting roles such as the diner clerk in TMNT count? Or the forensic assistant in Daredevil? Cause I am not a fan of his directed movies or main roles. I have seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and did not enjoy it at all (unlike my husband, who was still talking about the movie when we went to bed). I admit to not having seen his other movies, but if the humor is the same then I shall gladly pass.

387. Where do you like to go on Friday or Saturday nights? going out to see a movie is always nice.

388. Do you like your friends to act the same way all the time or do you accept their moods and changes? I am very accepting. :-)

389. Do you often feel like other people are judging you? Sometimes. But I think most of it stems from me judging myself.

390. What do you think other people judge you to be like? I don't know. (Yes, a cop out.) Do you judge others? What are your impressions of me?

391. Are you quick to judge others? We all judge without thinking, imprint on own experience on others, create first impressions. I may be quick to judge at times, but I take my time in creating a "final verdict". I am always open to be swayed from my judgment.

392. When you have a fight with someone do you want to talk about it right away or calm down first and then talk? Calm down first. No one wants to hear the initial argument that boils in my head.

393. Some say love is a river (according to the old song). What do you say love is? Love is a complex equation. It may take proofing to understand, but somehow all the unrelated pieces work together to create wonderful results.

394. What is the worst fault a person can have? complete selfishness, a disregard for fellow man.

395. Do you have it? no. if I did, maybe I would understand all the crime, war, abuse.

396. Which do you think has more impact on a person’s character, genetics or environment? aah, the age old question of nature vs nurture. Genetics is the clay, the base of a person. Environment helps to hone and shape what is already there.

397. Who was your first best friend? Alexis, back in kindergarten.

 

398. If you are not best friends anymore, what came between you? She moved after first grade, but we wrote letters for many years, seeing each other occasionally. It wasn't until I moved to a different part of the state in 5th grade that we finally lost touch completely. We hadn't been real close anymore, and I lost her address.

399. Who have you read a biography about? Mary Queen of Scots.

400. What would your own autobiography be called? I hate this question! I suppose I could go with my first blog's title: "Discovering Me". Or the planned title of my poetry book, "My Letter to the World". Maybe I would use one of my other poem titles: "More than what you see" or "See This Woman." Not that my life is interesting enough for an autobiography.

Incredible

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

 

In a previous entry I skipped a question and promised to return to it.

 

289. What's the most incredible experience you ever had?

 

Webster's dictionary has the following definition for incredible:

1: too extraordinary and improbable to be believed

2: Amazing, Extraordinary

 

I've written about some incredible phenomena, but haven't experienced any of them myself. And I don't think watching documentaries, YouTube, and reading books about the incredible actually counts as experiencing it. I'm sure I've used the word to describe something but didn't mean it in the true sense of the word. It's hard to remember times I've really felt that awe of "wow, is this really happening?" (at least in the amazing, not the horrifying, kind of way). I want to feel that more. I want to see a UFO, defy gravity, have a panther for a pet.

 

One incredible experience does come to mind. I think it stands out in my memory because the rest of that day was anything but. My first date was for a school dance. I asked out a guy I'd had a crush on for a while. For the day date, we grouped up with my cousin and her date. We went to the canyon, had a picnic, and hiked up to Bridal Veil Falls. It was March, and the falls were still frozen. We climbed right next to the waterfall, and it truly was incredible. The outer shell was ice, but you could see the water flowing beneath. Absolutely beautiful.

 

Sadly, the date went downhill from there. At the top of the mountain my date carved another girls name into the rock; at dinner, he made fun of my eldest brother; then at the dance he taped a paper to his shirt for some of the photos (don't ask) and hardly wanted to dance at all. Needless to say, neither did I at that point. I seem to remember leaving early. Not the best first date, but at least I did have that one incredible experience to take out of it.

More answers! Politics and Evil (though not connected. this time.)

5,000 Questions... My answers so far...

 

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country? USA, President George W. Bush

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be? "I respect you and your position, don't envy your decisions, and know you are doing the best you can with the present situations."

 

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night? does Netflix count? We don't have satellite or cable…

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why? Completely clueless on this one, I took a few of those fun quizzes: "Which Disney villain are you?" (cop-out? maybe. evil, ain't I?)

Your Score: Hades!

You scored 30 evilness!

Ok, so you're a fun person. You really enjoy life and enjoy your schemes, but you're just not that evil. You tend to rely on henchmen to do all the dirty work while you sit back with a glass of Tequila, enjoying the moment. Occasionally, you will lose your temper and do something truly evil, but will then crack a smart joke and have your subjects laughing again. No real evil there. When you're defeated, you don't even die. You're somewhat evil, but your fun loving, quick wit gets in the way.

Link: The What Disney Villain are you Test written by tangodelmar on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test View My Profile(tangodelmar)

Not bad results.

Ok, ok, honest answer (after research to refresh my memory). I'm more like Maleficent (from Sleeping Beauty). I'm only to be worried about when I'm insulted/thwarted, and don't get invited to the party. And hey! magic, power, evil henchman to do the dirty work, shape-shifting into dragons, purple clothing accents… how can I go wrong?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maleficent

 

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout? I've been a Girl Scout. My mom was troop leader. It was a lot of fun until we moved and didn't know anybody in the new district. (forgive me if I'm slaughtering all the technical terms. been many years)

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat? By fly, I assume it's meant in a plane. I think that would be preferred. Though I would like to take a cruise. That would be the exception to the boat travel.

 

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night? Because God made it that way.

43. What does your name mean? …. …. bitter ….

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space? outer space. less sharks

2007: A Year in Review

Here are some highlights from last year.

 

January: 5th wedding anniversary. first paid article (topic: blogging. site: Associated Content). created The Realm of Dashevona forums. Dear Me letter detailing goals for year.

 

February: B ahead of others in sensory class (more social and interested in communicating), we pulled him out to wait for preschool. entered poetry contest, didn't place.

 

March: B turned three and started preschool, plus first time on bus (loved it from day one). finished writing short story The Blazing Princess. took and aced Psychology 101 Final Exam. TMNT came out! considered buying a hatch-back Yaris, but decided saving money for a house was more important than a new car. discovered the restaurant Chili's. wrote first entry on this blog.

 

April: first ever Tuesday Tally. phone died, had to buy a new one. entered hook writing contest. Drive canceled :(. bought a Wii.

 

May: won a free book. B's daily naps went to every couple days. Lloyd Alexander passed away. :-(

 

June: dropped out of ECE classes, as requirements for course were too overwhelming. started 100 day writing challenge. won a chapter critique from Manuscript Mavens. finished writing short story Mirror. entered Blazing Princess in Writers of the Future contest. preschool ended for summer.

 

July: sent out three batches of poetry. had to replace DVD-drive in my computer. reached halfway point in EotF. 

 

August: started monetary vacation fund incentive for exercising.

 

September: Blazing Princess quarter-finaled in Writers of the Future contest. preschool started again for B. replaced drive again. got cool gamer's keyboard.  started using Windows Live Writer. Madeleine L'Engle and Robert Jordan died. :-( . completed 100 day challenge. creation of Ubduk. submitted Blazing Princess to Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show.

 

October: started mailing list for EotF website. Liz finished her novel. experienced spectacular service at Outback Steakhouse. signed up for 70 Days Sweat. wrote first paragraph of Trinity Coven. got tagged on WDC for 8 random facts about me.

 

November: WGA started their strike. spent two weeks focusing on gratitude. bought wide-screen HDTV. finished my novel!

 

December: created a poetry flipbook. dropped out of 70 Days Sweat to focus instead on editing. got rejection for Blazing Princess. bought Rock Band. saw Celine Dion on the big screen. more computer problems, this time with software. my sister Liz got engaged!

 

I'm very happy with my writing progress last year. My major goal was to finish my novel, which I did. My exercising was sporadic, but still much more than the year before. Hopefully this will be another good year.

20 Questions (well, make that a dozen)

Nikki tagged me with this meme.

 

1. What I was doing 10 years ago: Wow, I was only 14 ten years ago. That was ninth grade. I was drooling at boys from afar, unable to date yet but had "huge" crushes on a couple different boys. That's really all I wrote about in my journal... I was also doing less homework, caring less about school - didn't want to be the "smart girl" who "always has perfect grades" when everyone is comparing report cards. I didn't want people to think I was a snob, but apparently being smart and quiet gives that impression to some. Anyway, moving on to question two...

 

2. Five years ago: Freshly married (8 months), adjusting to living with my in-laws after both of us no longer had jobs, and doing a ton of cross-stitching.

 

3. One year ago: I was waiting for a new video card as mine went out, submitting lots of poetry, my son went through a developmental skills evaluation, and last October I started babysitting.

 

4. Yesterday: I wrote 1k plus words on my WIP. Yay! Also watched Broken Arrow (I love Christian Slater) while doing laundry, then that evening watched Wild Hogs with my hubby. We picked up the former on sale used, hadn't seen it since high school; good show. The latter was from Netflix, and was absolutely hilarious; laughed out loud a lot.

 

5. 5 snacks I enjoy: Almond Joy, roasted almonds, Reese's Pieces, Red Vines licorice, and golden delicious apples.

 

6. 5 things I would do if I suddenly had $100 million: Buy a house, hire a maid, travel (see #7), buy a grand piano, and give some to family.

 

7. 5 locations I would like to run away to: England, Hawaii, Egypt, New Zealand, and Venice.

 

8. 5 bad habits I have: procrastinating, forgetting about laundry, sucking on my teeth, running out to the garbage bin barefooted despite the weather or broken glass, and not planning dinner until everyone is hungry and asks "What's for dinner?".

 

9. 5 things I like doing: Reading books, watching movies, playing video games, reading blogs, and writing.

 

10: 5 TV shows I like: Heroes, Lost, Biggest Loser, Til Death, and Firefly.

 

11. 5 things I hate doing: cleaning, paying bills, changing diapers, cooking, and brainstorming ways to fix a broken story or scene.

 

12. 5 biggest joys of the moment: Hubby, son (B), progress on novel, sending B off to preschool, and completely immersing myself in a good book.

 

Alright, your turn. I tag Liz, and anyone else who wants to do this. You can link your entry here in the comments, or post it here if you don't have a blog or don't want a separate entry.

Growing Up - Poetry and Musings

The Inner Child
(written in 2000 or 2001, while senior in H.S., unsure of exact date)

A little child
so innocent and free
full of joy and love
uninhibited by those fears
that plague me
so trusting and naive
always forgiving
seeing beauty
in everyone and everything
self-confidently taking on life
bold and daring
risking her all
to capture a world

What happened to that child
within me?

How does one mature in life? Does each individual have a turning point, a coming of age, as happens in fiction? Or do some of us go on, unchanging? I know I'm physically an adult. I'm married, have born a child, and my metabolism isn't what it used to be. But in other ways I'm just as I was in high school. My emotions are still as close to the surface, full of "teenage" angst (minus the dating and school stresses); I can have awful, inexplainable mood swings, deep depressions, exhilarating highs, and all hard for me to communicate. If I'm upset, I still clam up. I think I'm so good at story dialogue because of all the conversations that have happened in my head but never came out of my mouth.

I'm a basket case of social anxiety. I'm also scared to death of driving, never had a license or even taken the road test. Do we ever grow out of our insecurities?

The closest I've come to living on my own was when I had disagreements with my parents and moved in with the family of a friend's friend. I helped pay rent, but wasn't really part of the household, and rarely there - more at other friend's houses, or occasionally even crashing back at my parents. That was my most independent stage. I walked, biked, bussed; kept to my own schedule; dated lots.

Am I any smarter now than five years ago? I don't think so. I still don't stand up for myself, deal with people well, or have an ounce of common sense. I'm a complete airhead. I need a sign that says Warning: Absentminded Writer. I've never finished continuing education. Never been to college, or even completed a degree online. Biggest reason I didn't keep working toward ECE degree? I panicked and got completely overwhelmed at all the interaction I'd have to do - visit preschools and daycares, do interviews, take notes, eventually do 200+ hours of internship. If I couldn't handle all that, how could I ever handle the job itself?

I don't think I can emotionally handle a career outside of creative writing. Just as I know I wouldn't be able to handle another child.

In case you've begun to wonder, no this is not a rant. Merely a... reflection on the state of my being. I can still say I want to be a writer when I grow up. 1) I don't feel grown up yet; 2) I'm not yet a published, paid, professional writer.

Then again, if growing up means losing your innocence, losing that child within yourself, then I grew up long, long ago.

Seeking that which is Lost
written March 23, 2007

I sit cross-legged on oaken floor
loosen my muscles from head to toe;
breathe in the fresh, clean air encompassing me,
eyes settling on a single pink flower
in the vine border of the cream wall before me;
outer vision blurs as I journey within.

Break down unsteady walls of insecurity.
Push through foggy layers of forgetfulness.
Swim through the ever-circling moat of procrastination.
Enter the well guarded keep of true self.
Seeking that which is lost.

In the bottomless dungeon? No...
there dwells my heart, held under lock and key.
In the gilded tower? No...
there reside my dreams, gazing at the stars.
I pass through the library,
smiling at my muse, crafting inspiration,
and finally find that which I sought
deep within the treasury, dwelling in memories.

I take her hand, this child in me,
coax her to stay by my side,
as I return to focus my eyes
on the painted wall before me.

Creation

One of my favorite things about writing fantasy is the creation process. I am a goddess, creator of an entire world. I can fill it with traditional creatures and ones entirely from my imagination. It's an exhilarating process. But it's not the only reason I write.

Last year I had to write a paper for my English 101 class on the topic "Who Am I?". I'd like to share it here. It may inspire one of you, but in the very least it still inspires me. Only a few things have changed since writing it, which I will touch on after.

Who Am I? I am a Writer

Who Am I? According to Ralph Waldo Emerson (1903), “The man is only half himself, the other half is his expression” (p.5). My expression lies in the same form as that great man. I am a writer. I would not be complete without that part of me. There was a time in my life when I stopped writing, believing that nothing I had to say was worthwhile. That period was marked by emptiness. Once I finally returned to writing, I found the purpose I had been lacking. I knew I could never give up writing again. I write because I must. To forever stop writing would be akin to stopping my lungs from breathing. It would be death. First I’m going to tell you the role of the writer in society. Then I’m going to share with you how and why I started writing. Last of all, I’ll focus on the different forms my writing takes—poetry, journaling, and fiction.

The world needs writers. They record history, entertain, educate, and enlighten. Writers find beauty and meaning in the day to day life around us, and they have the aptitude with language to communicate that with the world. Emerson (2004) says it better than I:

There is no man who does not anticipate a supersensual utility in the sun and stars, earth and water. These stand and wait to render him a peculiar service. But there is some obstruction or some excess of phlegm in our constitution, which does not suffer them to yield the due effect. Too feeble fall the impression of nature on us to make us artists. Every touch should thrill. Every man should be so much an artist that he could report in conversation what had befallen him. Yet, in our experience, the rays or appulses have sufficient force to arrive at the senses, but not enough to reach the quick and compel the reproduction of themselves in speech. The poet is the person in whom these powers are in balance, the man without impediment, who sees and handles that which others dream of, traverses the whole scale of experience, and is representative of man. (pp. 5-6)

Writers can be incredibly honest in writing about human nature. Reading is a private business, allowing the words of a writer to speak directly to the reader’s soul. This frees them to say what no one else will. Even in a world saturated with computers and the internet, people still turn to books. The Book Industry Study Group has even forecast an increase in total book sales of 3.6% more than last year (Milliot, 2006). Nevertheless, if books were to go out of fashion, writers would still be needed for business, e-books, and web writing. Writing may not be the most profitable, but that simply means that those who do write do so for passion.

I first started writing stories at a young age. I was one of the two top readers in my first grade class, and the teacher encouraged us to write a story while the rest of the students worked on their basics. I still have that story. It wasn’t very good, but my teacher and parents were very encouraging. I was an imaginative child and my sisters and I would tell stories to each other. As I grew up, my dreams would change--wanting to be an artist, a scientist, or a dancer--but the one thing that remained consistent was my desire to be a writer. I’ve always been in love with books. They take me away to mystical and wonderful places. I grew up the middle of nine children, and books were a way for me to escape the surrounding chaos. I started my first attempt of a book in fifth grade. We moved that year, and I lost many of my notes. I may have given up on that story, but the desire to write a book remains. I want to write a book that will entertain and enchant a reader, giving them sanctuary from the world as the books I read did for me.

It was also in fifth grade when I discovered poetry. We had a section on Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein. I really enjoyed his poetry and as a result wrote my own humorous poem. However, it wasn’t until the end of junior high that I really considered myself a poet. I was going through the typical teenage emotions, as well as struggling with some issues from my childhood. I needed a way to deal with it all. I used poetry as a catharsis and to communicate all the emotions that were so hard for me. I was so shy and withdrawn; my poems gave me a way to reach out to people and let them understand me. My poetry has branched out to include more topics than myself, but the majority of my writing still has an underlying theme of emotional pain.

Another way that I dealt with life was through journal writing. In junior high and high school, my journal was my constant companion. I didn’t have any close friends to confide in, so I confided in my journal instead. I wrote about everything. It kept me in the habit of writing regularly, and helped me keep mentally stable. An added benefit is being able to go back and read my journals. I can relive moments, see how much I’ve grown, and keep them as a record of my life. I wish I had started journal writing at an earlier age. I feel like so many years are missing simply because I do not remember many details.

About a year ago I discovered blogging. Initially, I still wrote in my journal and only used my blog for organizing my thoughts about my writings. After a few months, I realized the benefits of being able to share my thoughts and problems with a community, receiving support and feedback. It had all the benefits of journal writing, with the added advantage of group therapy. Now I only use my journal for private issues. The title for my blog is “Discovering Me.” It is my journey of discovery within myself and my writing. I have many motivations to continue blogging: keeping in touch with friends, therapy, working through my thoughts, and writing practice.

Last, but not least, I am a fiction writer. I’ve written a handful of short stories, but looking back they all have one thing in common—school assignments. I do not consider myself a short story writer. I like some of the stories I’ve written, but I don’t think that’s where my talent lies. I prefer to go more in-depth with the characters and plot. My focus is on the novel. As I said earlier, I want to write a book that will allow readers to escape to another world. The fantasy novel I’m working on now is one I’ve been wanting to write since I was sixteen. I didn’t have the knowledge, skills, or confidence to write it back then. The plot has changed some, but it’s much stronger now. I’ve made some great progress on my novel these last few months and plan to finish it within the next couple of years. Writing this book has been the hardest and most enjoyable thing I’ve ever done. Every time I finish a scene or chapter, my confidence goes up. It is so exciting to see the story unfold. According to Betsy Lerner (2000), a former editor in New York’s top publishing houses, “For every person who writes a book, there are thousands who believe they could” (p. 236). I am determined to be one of those that does. I will finish this book and send it out for publication.

My goal isn’t to get on the New York Times bestseller list. Not to say I wouldn’t love for that to happen, but I’m more realistic. I simply want to get my book published. I want to share my book with the world. After this book, I have plans to write another. In fact, I have ideas for three more novels. I don’t plan on quitting after just one book, regardless of whether it sells. However, I cannot get published if I don’t have a book finished. To work toward that goal, I have challenged myself to write at least one chapter each month. In addition to the goals for my novel, I also have goals for my poetry. I’m constantly sending out my poems to magazines and online markets in the attempt to get published. So far this year, I have sent out 34 poems. Three have been accepted so far, for the online press The Pink Chameleon. I didn’t receive monetary compensation, but it gives me something to put in my publishing credits. With enough credits behind me, I can aim for more notable markets. Eventually, I want to publish a book of poetry. Each time I make progress on my goals I gain a satisfaction and confidence which carries over into the other aspects of my life. My writing completes me.

Being a writer is a crucial part to my identity, whether it be writing poetry, journaling in a diary or blog, or working on a novel. All these are expressions of my soul and in turn shape me as the person I am. My writing allows me to stand out to the world as I never could any other way. It is the only way for an introspective person such as I am to be bold and confident. I let people see me through my writing. Lerner (2000) says it well, “Indeed, the great paradox of the writer’s life is how much time he spends alone trying to connect with other people” (p. 36). I am determined to continue writing and pursuing my goals. Someday you will see my byline on a book. The world needs writers. The world needs me.

References:
Emerson, R.W. (1903). The Poet. The Complete Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson (pp. 1-42). Houghton, Mifflin and company.
Lerner, B. (2000). The Forest for the Trees: An Editor’s Advice to Writers. New York: Penguin Putnam Inc.
Milliot, J. (2006, May 22). Book Sales Projected to Increase 3% in 2006. Publisher’s Weekly, p. 3.

I have since written a novella and am getting more confident in my short story writing. The blog mentioned, Discovering Me, is my one on Writing.com. I haven't written there much since I started this one. But other than that, the above still applies.

We are all creators... not just of art, but relationships, homes, personal space, etc. What do you create? Why do you create?

Thoughts of a Ten Year Old

The girl in the short story I'm writing is currently ten years old. I got stuck, so I thought it would be fun to look back in my journals and see what I was writing/thinking around that time in my life. I had to look at age nine, as I have no record of journal entries for the following year. Lots of "I'm bored" and school gossip. And no medium in emotion - either very, very, very happy, or I HATE SO AND SO, or bored and depressed. I read a lot of books, mostly mysteries, adventures, and ghost stories. I think I read every "Choose your own Adventure" book our library and the bookmobile had. Another common series that comes up is "Encyclopedia Brown". The majority of my reading now is fantasy or romance, with the occasional mystery. I didn't really start fantasy until fifth grade, after my teacher recommended "The Blue Sword" (still an awesome YA fantasy novel by the way).

Another interesting trend back then was writing about songs and stories, then in the same entry stating I want to be an artist when I grow up. Here's a real excerpt (parts about friend rivalries removed):

April 23, 1992
... I feel like writing stories again. When I get home I’m going to ask my mom if I can make a storybook or give me a notepad (a big one). ... When I grow up I want to be an artist.

Actions speak louder than words. It wasn't until later that I decided I wanted to be an author and illustrator, then eventually just an author.

I used to have imaginary friends. Not one, but many. Not for lack of real friends. It was a small town, knew everyone, friends with just about my entire class. But sometimes I'd go off in my own imaginary world. Apparently they weren't always present:

May 19, 1992
Missie Lue Nae is sick today. She is one of my secret sisters [aka imaginary friend].

They even accompanied me much later in life. Even as late as high school, if we went on a long drive I would look out the window and picture these friends (six of them, three boys and three girls, don't remember their names anymore) riding beside us (on super speed bicycles). Maybe it was a defense mechanism against motion sickness. Maybe it was because I didn't have the same close friendships after we moved in fifth grade. Or maybe I'm just loony. ;-)

And now that I have wasted time reminiscing and revealing my weirdo self, I should get back to writing.